the corporation

Last night i watched bits of the corporation on PBS, and combined with my meeting the other morning with the Buddist realtor, I am feeling compelled to live a better life and be a better person. Like Reese W. said in her oscar acceptance speech "I'm just trying to matter". I've been feeling so much like my life doesn't matter lately, for the past couple of years really. Is being in a dreary little relationship with Mike Jamont going to make my life matter... is it going to make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile? I don't know, but for the past couple of months I've been feeling like I'm just putting in time.

I want to spend Quality time with him instead of Quantities of time. I really dont think we are supposed to live together. I dont think that either of us are happy and I can't see how we ever will be. He doesn't do anything. We dont go anywhere. It's better than being the downtown party girl who is never at home, but can't there be a balance? I don't want to go out and spend tons of money and live a big cool life, I just want to have something to look forward to.

right now I just feel this sense of overwhelming disappointment. i just want to run home and buy a house at the end of eureka and see what life brings. the plan is there is no plan.

poltergeist

Getting along better with Mike. Realizing the parallels between cohabitating with someone as an adult and my crappy childhood of fear and self loathing. Whenever anything with Mike and i isn't going perfectly, which is always because we are human, I get all wound up and angry because I just want to feel safe and secure in my home. I feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me and I wait to be betrayed. Then a certain 5 year old poltergeist starts stomping her feet and having a temper tantrum and I become unbearable. Usually at this point Mike starts gettign frustrated with me and says something vaguley unpleasant about whether or not our relationship is going to last- which reafirms my negative irrational beleif that I can never be in a happy relationship with anyone. Now that I can name the situation and be aware of it and calm down at the beginning instead of letting myself get all wound up, i stop myself from creating the tantrum and I ususally find a way to talk to Mike about what he is doing that is bothering me. It;s better when I let the adults handle things.

blah blah blah

ick

i dont think that smoking is a way to fill myself up with happiness. its a way to fill myself up with poison and death, with giving up. i dont want to be filled up with shit or death- i want to be filled with love and occasionally bliss. i am very disappointed in myself for smoking. i want mike to come home and smoke with me and justify my crappy behaviour. if mike wasnt part of my life then how would this moment be? how am i going to feel if he doesn't have one? can i stand alone on this?

dimissed

that's howhe makes me feel. or is that how I feel and anything he does will just confirm the feeling? regardless, every moment in this relationship i feel like he could care less whether i am here or not. it's like he's not capable of missing someone. its like he's afraid to be nice to me because i might get the idea that he likes me. we live together forfuck sake! i think it just comes down to he's just not that into me. i will treat it as such. i will do my own things and have my own interests and make my own fun and he can sit here and grow mould all he wants.

i have to go back to what m says. find happiness and fill up my conscousness with it. fill up the black hole and maybe i can learn to love myself one day. maybe if i get there, then there will be some footing for mike to love me on. it must seem futile for him to just love and watch it all just get sucked into the ether all the time. i think that today after the gym i will go to the mall and buy stuff to make a love scrap book. i will cut out pictures that make me feel happy. words photos stories song lyrics anything that i can touch on when i feel helpless. someplace where the love wont blow away- where its attached, affixed, something i made. and in the end the love you make is equal to the love you take.

I think i need to start another blog where i just put my happy thoughts and images so that i can access it anytime, anywhere. an online version of my hapy scrapbook. i want to keep this one separate and personal. this isn't for an audience.

toad

valentines day

this is the most depressing day of the year. last year i was practically suicidal because jmc just wasnt that into me... now this year i feel like an empty husk of a human being. its not mjs fault. hes an inconsiderate self centred asshole but no more, even less than any other man. a phone call around 1pm would have been a nice touch. i did show up at the house crying at 11am and he couldnt be fucking bothered to see if i'm ok. actually he is a fucking asshole and i deserve better. all i want is some fucking compassion. is that so hard. a text message would have worked. i dont know if its possible to feel more sorry for myself than i do right now.

the thing to remember is that i'm a survivor. i pick myself up and dust myself off and move on like i always do.

hello

It feels weird to be typing my thoughts and posting them in cyber space. Why would anyone bother to read my ramblings?whofuckign cares right? i guess i want to give the toad a place to talk. where she cant be hurt or ignored or interupted. she saw evil up close and personal and she/we need a place to think aloud.

i talked to mh today about how i feel like i'm a black hole of love. there isnt enough love in the world to make me feel filled up and content and safe. when somebody loves me, i bleed them dry like a sucubus and dispose ofthem althe while making it their fault. thats what you get for lovin me. mh told me i need to find love in daily life, in hte bits of beauty in the world. theres love in the sunshine and hte beach and fresh air and freedom. theres no love in this airless little room. i feel like i've been run over by a train. i just want to go home but hte parasites are there waiting for me to entertain them. i promise to find ways to fill up the black hole. i think this is a start. i dont want to be a location mgr anymore. its all bullshit. fuck i want to smoke.

bored

learning to blog

just learning

testing.