Wednesday, March 08, 2006

the corporation

Last night i watched bits of the corporation on PBS, and combined with my meeting the other morning with the Buddist realtor, I am feeling compelled to live a better life and be a better person. Like Reese W. said in her oscar acceptance speech "I'm just trying to matter". I've been feeling so much like my life doesn't matter lately, for the past couple of years really. Is being in a dreary little relationship with Mike Jamont going to make my life matter... is it going to make me feel like I'm doing something worthwhile? I don't know, but for the past couple of months I've been feeling like I'm just putting in time.

I want to spend Quality time with him instead of Quantities of time. I really dont think we are supposed to live together. I dont think that either of us are happy and I can't see how we ever will be. He doesn't do anything. We dont go anywhere. It's better than being the downtown party girl who is never at home, but can't there be a balance? I don't want to go out and spend tons of money and live a big cool life, I just want to have something to look forward to.

right now I just feel this sense of overwhelming disappointment. i just want to run home and buy a house at the end of eureka and see what life brings. the plan is there is no plan.